saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
