I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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