I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
