Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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