Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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