i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
