theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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