bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
