ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
