I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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