You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
