She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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