When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
