No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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