its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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