Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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