maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
