My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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