I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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