we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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