My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
