I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
is wine microwaveable?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize