You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
