I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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