I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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