Your mouth is God's brothel.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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