Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
