he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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