we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
