The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize