Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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