i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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