i already hear my dad disowning me
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
there is glitter all over my balls
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