He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
