I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
