did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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