I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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