She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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