you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
