So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
