i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
