life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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