Don't you send me to vm
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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