he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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