I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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