the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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