that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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