closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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