i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
