I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
