So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
