so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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