if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Randomize