You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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