I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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