just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
