Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Hippo gnu deer
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize