I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
