I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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