I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
