Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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