he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
