God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
