Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
