I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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