I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
