We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
